Sunday Morning Sadness

My time with the Lord started quietly in confession last Sunday morning.  I had been up for hours and had sat through a good sermon, but my time with the Lord began at the end of the service when the pastor invited us to the communion table. It was at that moment I remembered that the Lord was with me, he knew what no one else could see.

I was saddened by loss of friendship and connection.

It's tempting to look back and grieve what was because it’s gone.  It’s a much harder task for some of us to look back and rejoice for having moments that have brought joy when they are no longer there.
As a Military Spouse, you learn quickly that things change fast and that means that friends come and go in what seems like a blink of an eye. Before you know it time flies and it’s been 5, 10, or 15 years since you have seen people you once did everyday life with.
Sometimes there is a friendship that comes along where the connection is immediate. It's like you have known each other all your lives and when they leave, they take a piece of you with them. 

I was feeling that emptiness this morning.  Even though we are retired, many of my friends are still Active Duty and they still go where the Army leads them. There is always social media and it’s a great way to keep up with the big stuff, but as far as the day to day things, that’s a bit harder to maintain.

It was in a moment of confession I leaned into the Lord and whispered, “Lord, I miss them so much.”   The Lord knew my heart. I didn’t have to utter a word or explain how I was feeling.  I had the freedom to just be sad in the presence of the Lord and he was there to listen to what my heart was saying.  My words were “I miss them” but my heart lamented so much more. 

I was longing for the connection that had once been there but was now gone because everyday life is different. Circumstances change and life happens. It’s hard to maintain that kind of connection with people when they are far away.

I hadn't needed anyone to do or say anything that morning, there was nothing to fix or repair.  It isn't a case of a broken friendship, it just looks different today than it used to.  There are no more last-minute adventuring and quiet moments on the phone just aren’t the same.

The Lord was there this morning to listen without judgment and to love me where I was. The blessing I wasn’t expecting was the Lord’s ability to recount every memory with me because he had been there too.  It was this realization that sparked joy in my sadness. Suddenly I was no longer alone and without my friends, I was in the company of someone who had been there all along.

It’s hard to think of the Lord as the first member of my tribe and the only one who will be with me in every situation.  It’s hard to think of the Lord in this respect because he is spirit and I am flesh and the places these two things connect I cannot ascertain with my physical senses. Then I lean into him, in a moment of trust and he meets me, letting me know that he is there. He is where I am most connected and that connection lets me know..... I am not alone.